What this article covers
Opher Ganel argues that couples who stop fighting about money do it by building four pillars: trust, collaboration, transparency and personal space. He pairs each pillar with clear do’s and don’ts, then lays out 10 practical steps, from a shared vision and budget to estate plans and monthly money meetings, plus ground rules for keeping those conversations productive.
Key Takeaways
Healthy couple finances rest on trust, collaboration, transparency and space
Opher Ganel identifies four pillars that keep money from becoming a source of shame, blame and fear in a relationship. Each comes with concrete behaviors: raise concerns in a loving conversation instead of accusing, agree on joint goals, share decisions about major purchases and investments, and respect each partner’s personal money.
Every partner should get personal money with no questions asked
Whether it is a dollar a day or $10,000 a month, the article recommends a set amount or percentage of what remains after joint needs are covered, held in each partner’s own checking account. Within agreed limits, neither partner should ask how the other spends it, and snooping into accounts is off the table.
Couples should decide in advance how they split income, savings, retirement draws and bequests
The 10-step plan walks through options such as pooling all income and splitting the remainder equally or by income share, or keeping incomes separate and contributing to joint expenses half and half or pro rata. It extends the same choices to joint versus individual portfolios (common in second marriages), retirement income and what happens when each partner dies, then sets up regular money meetings to keep the plan on track.
Money.
It may make the world go ‘round, but for most of us, it also triggers negative feelings.
Shame. Guilt. Obsession. Blame. Fear.
It’s no wonder more than two-thirds of couples regularly argue about it and it’s one of the main contributing causes to divorce. Partners accuse each other of frivolous spending, out-of-control credit card debt, and debilitating frugality. You name it, if it’s a negative money-connected issue, it causes friction.
But it doesn’t have to be that way for you.
What Are the 4 Pillars of Healthy Money Management for Couples?
- Trust
- Collaboration
- Transparency
- Space
Let’s tackle these in order, and then move on to a step-by-step guide on how you build them up.
Pillar 1: Trust (How to Raise Money Concerns Without Blame)
In the words of Mahatma Gandhi, “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”
Do you want your partner to trust you around money? Then trust her and be trustworthy.
Do This
If you’re concerned about a money issue, especially if it’s around your partner’s behavior, bring it up in the context of a loving conversation. Start off by appreciating him or her and what he or she brings to your life. Then speak about factual occurrences and how they make you feel.
Don’t Do This
Don’t accuse your partner of anything. Blame and shame bring nothing more than defensiveness and resentment.
Pillar 2: Collaboration on Shared Financial Goals
An often-quoted saying goes, “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
There are few things more frustrating than trying to go for a goal only to have your partner pull in a different direction that makes it harder. The more important to you the goal, the more frustrating and infuriating it becomes.
Do This
Agree about your joint financial goals and the lifestyle choices they imply. Build a shared financial vision. Do you fantasize about spending several months a year in a destination city once you retire? Enroll your partner in that vision. Then figure out what you need to accomplish to enable the two of you to do that.
If your money personalities clash with one of you an over-frugal saver and the other an overly free spender, talk about your underlying money-related fears, preferences, and aspirations.
Accept each other’s differences and work them out from a place of love and understanding. You may need to agree on a certain level of savings and investment to allay the concerns of the more frugal partner, but also a set amount of “fun money” that the more free-spending partner can spend with no guilt or recrimination.
Remember that you’re a team, and while you’re not identical, you each bring complementary strengths to who you are as a couple. Treat each other with respect (and of course love).
Don’t Do This
Don’t undermine your partner’s goals. Don’t make light of his or her fears. Don’t dismiss his or her aspirations.
Pillar 3: Transparency (Why Financial Secrets Hurt Couples)
The Dalai Lama once said, “A lack of transparency results in distrust and a deep sense of insecurity.”
Can you expect to build a massive edifice of financial success on a foundation of distrust and insecurity?
Of course not.
How can you expect your partner to trust you or be able to collaborate with you on money matters if you keep financial secrets from her?
Do This
Be open about your shared finances. When you’re considering a significant purchase, talk about it ahead of time. Make sure you’re both comfortable with it and with its implications. When you’re deciding on how to invest your money, make sure you openly share your hopes and fears and figure out together how you can both be comfortable with any risks you take whether those are investing too aggressively or not aggressively enough.
Don’t Do This
Don’t open secret accounts. Don’t divert money from joint accounts to individual ones without your partner’s knowledge and assent. Don’t hide income, spending, and/or debt from each other.
Pillar 4: Space (Why Each Partner Needs Personal Money)
As much as you love each other, you and your partner are still two individuals. You each need the space to be who you are with no need for permission or apology. This is as true around money as it is for other aspects of your lives.
Give each other this space.
It doesn’t have to be, and in fact, it mustn’t be absolute. But it absolutely needs to be there in at least some measure.
Do This
Whether it’s a dollar a day or $10,000 a month (depending on your income and resources), give each of you a set amount (or a set percentage of money available once all your joint needs are covered) as personal money.
While there need to be agreed limits (e.g., don’t spend the money to get a lover and pay for his rent), don’t ask each other how you each spend your personal money.
You’re welcome to share with your partner what you do with some or all of your personal money, but without the expectation that she’ll reciprocate.
That’s why it’s called giving each other space.
Don’t Do This
Don’t declare all money joint and required to address specific agreed needs or wants. Don’t insist on your partner telling you how he or she spent his or her personal money. Definitely don’t snoop into his or her accounts to try and figure out how it was spent.
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10 Steps to Build a Healthy Financial Partnership as a Couple
Here’s a step-by-step guide that will help you create and maintain trust, collaboration, transparency, and space in the financial realm.
- Talk with each other openly about your dreams and goals, including what it takes financially to achieve them. Develop your shared vision.
- Whether with the help of a financial advisor or strategist, develop a plan for turning your vision into reality.
- Create a budget that covers all your joint needs and leaves at least some personal money for each of you. Make sure that beyond your joint checking, you each have your own personal checking where you put your personal money. This helps when you want to buy each other a surprise gift. And don’t forget to create a joint emergency fund to help the more frugal of you sleep better at night.
- Define what expenses will be joint and what expenses should be personal. For some of you, personal grooming (hair salon, nail spa, etc.) will be joint because you both enjoy it when you feel attractive, but for others, this is a personal expense. For some of you, books are a joint expense because reading expands your horizons to your joint benefit, but for others, it is considered a hobby and thus a personal expense.
- Define how you handle your income and joint expenses. For example:
- You may each chip in all your income into the joint account, cover joint expenses from there, and split the remainder by the percentage of total income each of you generated.
- You may each chip in all your income into the joint account, cover joint expenses from there, and split the remainder equally.
- You may each keep all your individual income and contribute half of the joint expenses.
- You may each keep all your individual income and contribute to your joint expenses prorated by your income.
- Define how you handle your savings and investment. For example:
- You may have just a single joint portfolio and/or savings account.
- You may have a joint portfolio, but then also have individual portfolios for each of you. This is especially likely if it’s a second marriage for one or both of you, and you have kids from your previous marriage.
- Define how you handle your portfolios and income in retirement. For example:
- You may simply continue with how you handled your pre-retirement income, counting pension benefits, Social Security benefits, and draws from portfolios in the same way you counted your pre-retirement income.
- You may continue with how you handled your pre-retirement income for everything except draws from your individual portfolios (if you decided to have such). You’d then count pension benefits, Social Security benefits, and draws from your joint portfolio in the same way you counted your pre-retirement income, and draws from individual portfolios as personal money.
- Define how you handle the bequest when the first of you dies, and if appropriate, set up an estate plan to make it happen. For example:
- You may leave everything to your partner.
- You may leave all joint assets to your partner, but leave your individual assets to your kids from a previous marriage (if any).
- Define how you handle the bequest when the other partner dies, and if appropriate, have your estate plan address this too. For example:
- Does everything go to your kids, and if so, how do you split it if more than one kid?
- Does some or all of it go to charities, and if so, which ones?
- Once you’ve handled all the planning work above, set up regular money meetings to discuss where you are currently, what the recent month looked like financially, and what changes (if any) are needed for the next month. Also, discuss any changes you may want to make in your longer-term financial plans.
How to Run a Productive Couple’s Money Meeting: 6 Rules
- Put your meetings on both your calendars or they won’t happen.
- Have a regular agenda (see step 10 above), but each of you is allowed and encouraged to add to the agenda whatever is on your minds.
- Schedule the meeting for a time you’re both fully awake, fed, and rested, and when you can find a place and time that you won’t be interrupted (at least not too frequently).
- If it’s your thing, set up some drinks and munchies to make the experience more pleasant.
- It bears repeating, no shaming or blaming allowed!
- If the conversation starts getting heated and either one of you feels it’s not going well, call a time-out until you can re-center yourselves and get back into a productive and collaborative mindset. At the same time, don’t call a time-out anytime you feel even a bit uncomfortable. The idea is to prevent it from devolving into a shouting match or fight, not to never stray beyond your comfort zone.
The Bottom Line: Build Wealth as Partners, Not Opponents
Money shouldn’t be your end-goal. It’s a tool. It’s what lets you bring to life your vision of a bright future.
Unless you inherit a lot of money, building wealth is a long-term undertaking. This means you need to do this as partners. Remember – “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
Neither over-frugality nor over-spending will get you to your desired finish line. The point is to address your fears and your hopes for the future while at the same time also enjoying the present together.
The above plan will help you get there.
Frequently Asked Questions
How should couples manage money together without fighting?
The article recommends building trust, collaboration, transparency and personal space into your finances. In practice that means raising concerns lovingly and factually rather than with blame, agreeing on shared goals, being open about major purchases and debts, and giving each partner money of their own.
Should married couples have joint or separate bank accounts?
The article suggests both: a joint checking account for shared needs plus a personal checking account for each partner’s personal money. It also recommends a joint emergency fund, which can help the more frugal partner sleep better at night.
How do couples split expenses when they earn different incomes?
The article lists several options. You can pool all income, cover joint expenses and split the remainder equally or by each partner’s share of total income, or keep your incomes separate and contribute to joint expenses either half and half or in proportion to your incomes.
What should couples discuss in a money meeting?
Regular money meetings should cover where you are now, how the past month went financially, what changes are needed for the next month and any changes to longer-term plans. Put them on both calendars, pick a time when you are rested and uninterrupted, ban shaming and blaming, and call a time-out if things get heated.
What can couples do when one partner is a saver and the other is a spender?
The article recommends talking about each partner’s underlying money fears, preferences and aspirations and working out differences from a place of understanding. A practical compromise is an agreed level of saving and investing to reassure the frugal partner plus a set amount of guilt-free fun money for the free spender.
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Disclaimer: This article is intended for informational purposes only, and should not be considered financial advice. You should consult a financial professional before making any major financial decisions.
About the author
Contributing Writer, Wealthtender
My career has taken some unexpected turns, from earning a PhD in experimental high-energy physics, to conducting cosmic-ray research in Antarctica, to supporting NASA projects and programs, to running my own consulting business. I also run several other small businesses and help my wife run her Marriage and Family Therapy practice.
Those experiences taught me to question assumptions, think critically, and recognize that real-world decisions of any significance rarely have simple answers that apply to everyone. Today, I bring that perspective to writing about personal finance. Drawing on my analytical background, business experience, and research, I explore financial decisions, challenge conventional wisdom, and help readers understand the tradeoffs that can affect their financial well-being. To complement my own research and experience, I also weave insights from financial professionals into my articles, drawing on their expertise and real-world experience helping clients navigate financial decisions and challenges.
At medium.com/@opher-ganel, you can read more of my articles and subscribe to receive email notifications when new ones come out.